I am the ghost that glimmers in light
my velvet cage covers everything

I am the virtues, the ones you left behind
in search of the truth, the colors we would find

See the years pass by without another
scene of dying regret
another broken cage
feel my pleading embrace
I glimmer in spite of the chase

To mourn
I want to see a hand in mine,
a tender expression without the drive
the gross machine
the weeds that lie

I am the castle
the one in the distance
guiding you home
through the indifference

entombed halves
under glass slides
away from the burning tides
the vicious gaze
of their eyes

See the years pass by without another
scene of dying regret
my skin’s desire to crave
when are you going to accept
my soul, from the chase
I wanna know your face.

discerning questions
to unravel the ways
a lifetime spent
in service to other's
a path to break free
and honor myself

their voices are what's left
when I lay my head

it’s bigger to think of how
I’ve lived this time

my needs aside for others’
I want to break free and listen

learning to silence their call

attune my needs to yours

the reflection whose gaze
I ignored

attune my needs
to what matters most

I’m ready to hear you for the first time
ready the call hearing to you near

listen please i want to reach me

eyes like a wishing well
wish you were here on my chest
so you couldn’t drift far
when I needed you most

ocean swallowed you whole
like I swallowed your love
fifty years past by
can’t forget the day and

I remember
how your hands
fit into mine
I feel them
in my sleep
every night

stolen glances at you
like you stole my desire
thought they’d vanish with time
but they still linger

when my feet touch the sand
and the tide takes me in
I hear your voice inside
I wish I’d died that day

and I wrote you a letter
and threw it from the shore
so you could know how I felt

I felt seen
for the first time
and I honor that gift
with my life for you

discerning questions
to unravel the ways
a lifetime spent
in service to other's
a path to break free
and honor myself

their voices are what's left
when I lay my head

it’s bigger to think of how
I’ve lived this time

my needs aside for others’
I want to break free and listen

learning to silence their call

attune my needs to yours

the reflection whose gaze
I ignored

attune my needs
to what matters most

I’m ready to hear you for the first time
ready the call hearing to you near

listen please i want to reach me

always alert watching movements
out of the corner of my eyes
awaiting disaster

some might call it
a gift but I don’t

vigilance isn’t a virtue
it’s a curse

It’s an heirloom of a past
where sighs had meaning
the sound of footsteps
were words to decode

to always be aware
of everything at once

when I hear a slam
I feel the freeze come

it’s an heirloom of a time
a constant reminder grasping for meaning
feeling underwater

to young to express lost in the subtext
hands over ears nails sink into my skin

I won’t let the past
control me anymore

I am allowed
to give myself
permission to breathe

I want to swim in my own body
I want to thrive and open my heart

I’d rather I drown than suffocate
be vulnerable
in the ocean of my heart

I want to drift with no aim
open my eyes close my mind

I'd rather I drown than suffocate
be vulnerable make my heart
an ocean of my own
make it clear
drown my instincts
mend myself dead

I never learned to swim
no matter how hard they tried

i wonder if it was because
I didn’t have a say
to give up my control
in that sacred way

now that the ice is melting
better late than now
glacial formations
turn into honey cover me
finally let you in

made to be different
failing to fit a template

made to feel like
I’m all alone

without connection
adrift like sky lights

hanging freely
made to feel like

the fate
of all worlds
rests on my back

turning
at a cosmic scale
sinking into stars

but it’s smaller
than a world

a deeper crevice
buried between
an aorta

microscopic in its size
but it’s louder than anything else

hearing the echoes
of contentment
wanting to
acquiesce

lingering thoughts
saved me
from that life
a hollow death

and I’m
not going back

I fought the world
but no one won
just left with hollow laughter
I’ve felt better
but I know I’ll like who I am after

always spinning but you never fall
looked so strange when you hit the wall
you said I’m glum but I know I’m not
feelings turn upon the equinox

desensitize my nervous mind
and let my body free for one last time

I tried
it’s known
how long
I’ve wanted to shut it off

I look at others
and long for that
the way they can float without a thought
I wanna know but I’d rather not
I find comfort in the equinox
I always tried
And now its gone

Always spinning but I can’t count the time
irregular like my awkward lithe
Coming to terms with how
I’ve never been satisfied
Is that a truth of the moment
or is it a curse
for all my life

I waited
so long
to move
find an answer
one more time

there’s more
to consider
a lifetime
of mistakes
written in glass
remember
the ways

That we
can thrive
consider
a new way
to carry ourselves
without regret
and shame
for the way
we cried
for more

I can’t try
I don’t know
how I made it this long
how far I’ve gotten
and I’m ready

to thrive
in the ways
that I can’t
express

but I
I won’t allow
another
day to pass by
with that repression
guiding the strings
pulling me along
instead of
myself

a doll wishes upon a star
to live and dance
with the grace
of the night sky
that comforts her night

eyes like a wishing well
wish you were here on my chest
so you couldn’t drift far
when I needed you most

ocean swallowed you whole
like I swallowed your love
fifty years past by and
can’t forget the day and

I
remember
how
your hands
fit
into mine
I feel them
in my sleep
every night

stolen glances at you
like you stole my desire
thought they’d vanish with time
but they still linger

when my feet touch the sand
and the tide takes me in
I hear your voice inside
I wish I’d died that day

and I
wrote
you a letter
and threw it
from the shore
so
you could know
how I
felt

I
felt
seen
for the first
time
and I honor
that gift
with my life
for you